I’ve had writers block for a while now. Legit last post was Valentine’s Day, but today I was in a funk and I think writing it all out is the best way to express what I’ve been feeling as of late. When I rebranded I wanted this blog to include fashion and travel, however I wanted to chat more about real life and less about the outfit I’m wearing.
When my marriage ended I immediately started dating someone else. That lasted off and on for about 8 months before homeboy straight up ghosted me on New Year’s Eve, and I’ve kind of been processing since then. For a while I blamed myself. Instead of focusing on all the positives about myself, I really dug deep into everything that was wrong with me. While I once was so self-aware, confident and in touch with my place in The Universe, I’ve been a little more of a mess lately.
So much of my life in marriage and even before was defined by the relationship I was in. I allowed the person I was with to bring me joy rather than find it on my own and when things ended I promised myself that wouldn’t happen again, yet found myself in the same place 8 months later.
I fall back into old habits really easily and this has been a hard one to break. Which is why I had to make this decision. I’ve messed around on dating apps and met people while out here and there, but for now I’m intentionally single. Making an active choice to force myself to work on me and find who I am with no distractions. Even just having preliminary feelings for a dude can easily lead me down a path where I stop exploring my purpose and start spending my energy on stressing about why a guy might not be texting back and it’s such an unhealthy way of thinking for me.
Until I can confidently state that I love where I’m at in life, until I can know without a doubt that my head won’t be full of doubts, until I can actually know what I want in a relationship I’m intentionally staying TF away from them.
Loneliness makes ya girl a little weak sometimes, but I have the best family and friends in the entire world. I’m actually moving in with my best friend next month and I CANNOT WAIT! Here are some steps I’m taking to work on myself while staying intentionally single.
- Deleted ALLL the apps. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, just took ’em right off the phone and deleted the accounts so I can’t drunkenly just re-download it without having to start from scratch and create a whole new account.
- Started Running. Away from my issues and to de-stress. I always start my run worried about something and by the end of it all I’m focused on is getting the fuck home so I can breathe again.
- Learning a new skill. I’ve literally had a ukulele for 2 years now and only learned 2 chords, so I’m really working on learning to play like I wanted to back in 2017.
- Writing more. Sometimes we have to process things and I write A LOT. I wrote a book about my experiences (working on the edits now), I write poetry like on a weekly basis, and now I’m really trying to get back into writing on the blog.
- Meditation. I’m the WORST when it comes to having a million things on my mind and stressing about all of them at the same time. Meditation really allows me to focus on my thoughts one at a time and release the stress surrounding them. When you’re able to choose your thoughts you start being able to let go of the ones that don’t serve you. I used to be v great at this but like any skill, lack of practice makes you rusty and getting back into it has been super helpful for having a positive mindset.
Next week I’m heading to Spokane, Washington with Avian and I can’t wait to explore all the beauty that Washington state holds! Next post will be much lighter, but I really wanted to put this out there for anyone who might be struggling with a similar situation. I’ll leave you with some words of wisedom from Bey
“Middle fingers up, put them hands high
Wave it in his face, tell him, boy, bye”
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